Non-monogamous relationships:

Treating clients in non-monogamous relationships

In our culture monogamy is not only the dominant belief system, but to some the only psychologically healthy system. Those who do not fall into this same framework have been seen as pathologically challenged and in need of treatment. Yet maybe it isn’t this minority that has the problem. When we look at the dominant monogamous culture, we see marriages with a 50% chance of survival, and studies that show at least 70% of all marriages will experience extra marital relations at least once during its existence. With these kinds of statistics, it is a wonder anyone believes monogamy is a workable solution. It is important to have an open mind when treating clients considering alternative relationships, to educate them and allow them to explore all the possibilities. This will help them to decide what path is best for them, how best to navigate those paths and avoid possible pitfalls.

First let’s define some terms. Non-monogamy - this is the practice of creating intimate relationships that may include sexual intimacy with more than one person and may or may not, be sexually exclusive within that relationship. Polyamory - a term used to describe many forms of multi-partner relationships where usually all the members agree to be faithful within their circle and commit to exist as a family. Swinging (also known as “the lifestyle”) - is a form of recreational social sex between consenting couples and or singles frequently in a group setting.

In order to work with clients from this community it is essential that we examine our own culturally-based and biased assumptions about monogamy. The terminology we use, and the suggestions we make or choose to avoid as a result of this bias will impact our clients as we practice psychotherapy. Once a client feels that a therapist is not open to all possibilities, he or she will be guarded, full disclosure will be avoided and the effectiveness of therapy will be compromised. It is important to understand that while these alternative lifestyles work for many people they are not the answer to everyone with marital or relationship issues.

For polyamorous relationships to thrive a much higher level of communication is required on a regular basis. Discussions of boundaries, agreements, conflicts, and jealousy are essential to the relationships’ success. For those who successfully navigate a poly lifestyle there are many rewards. The honest, open discussions required create a deeper bond than they may have discovered in previous monogamous relationships. There is also the option for sexual explorations and diversity that may go beyond a primary partners’ interest or capacity. Such issues as bisexuality are not possible with one partner and various types of sex play do not appeal to all people. One person cannot possibly meet all of their partners’ emotional, intellectual, and sexual needs. Release from the expectation of meeting all of ones’ partners needs can be a huge relief. An additional factor for cohabiting multi-partner relationships is the cooperation of household, financial, and child rearing responsibilities. Along with the rewards come social and relationship challenges which are unique to this lifestyle. There may be a fair amount of disapproval and discrimination by family, neighbors, employers, religious organizations, and mainstream society in general. This can lead to secrecy or a double life. There are also issues relating to disclosure of polyamory to ones children as well as teaching them how to deal with a society that is usually less than understanding about diversity in relationships.

We all need to find, nourish, and cherish any love that comes into our lives. This author is at no time suggesting we abolish monogamy and replace it with polyamorous relationships for everyone. Yet expanding and supporting relationship diversity only enhances our humanity and possibility for love and growth.